The Smiles

Posted on May 22, 2013 by The Expat

expat2It is in the Goldfish Bar near Hooker Hill that I meet reclusive American friend Henry for drinks on Monday night.  The distinct lack of shouting ajummas is the first sign that I have returned to my spiritual home, if only temporarily.  Itaewon is generally a miserable place and if there were a place like Itaewon in your hometown, you probably wouldn’t hang out there.  Part of the draw for me is not what Itaewon has to offer, but what Itaewon distinctly lacks.  Noisy gaggles of housewives and screaming Korean children are for the most part absent from Seoul’s last expat enclave, which is more than enough reason for me to put myself outside of a beer in the Goldfish bar on any day of the week.

As I sit down, the H-man looks tired and drained.  He is essentially a beast of burden to his Korean family.  He is a source of cash, and nothing more.  His Korean wife seems to have taught his children to despise him, while at the same time managing to drain him of every penny that he earns.  The natural endgame to this situation would usually be divorce, suicide, adultery or substance abuse.  Henry has chosen substance abuse, probably because divorce and adultery are too expensive, and by nature he is not prone to suicidal thoughts.

Being under the constant squeeze for money from his Korean wife, Henry’s newfound frugality has become somewhat of a legend in expat circles.  Rumor has it that he was able to negotiate a letter of credit at one of Itaewon’s oldest expat dives.  Further illustrating his thrift, he refuses to part ways with his 2G flip phone, which is probably the same model that I had in high school.  Come to think of it, when I was in high school, Henry was already in Korea.

As we settle in on the ‘terrace’, I note a Korean woman in a micro skirt is hunched over the gutter in front of 7-11, spitting into the grated opening.  If the time and place are any indication, my guess would be that she is coughing and retching up the seeds of life from a successful transaction in one of the Hill’s blowjob bars.  Henry has a beer and a bottle of Jack Daniels (which he brought with him to the bar).  He drained the beer and set into the Jack about an hour before I arrived.  He is in the early stages of drunkenness.  He tells me “You know what I miss, man?  I miss the smiles.”  Henry reckons that at some point in time, in some place in the far distant past, people used to smile at him.  This, of course, would have happened prior to his arrival in Korea.  I question the clarity of his memory.  “No really man, people used to smile at me.  I’d be walking down the street, and my neighbors would smile at me for no reason.  We’d wave.  Just being friendly, you know?”

Henry grew up in a suburban east coast town where people probably played tennis and polo on the weekends.  I explain to him that in LA, the people are too busy trying to cut each others throats, so they have no time for smiling.  When you think about it, it’s kind of like Korea.  If someone smiles at you, it is either because they are crazy, or because they want something from you.  There is no such thing as a free smile.  If you want free smiles, you need to go to South East Asia, or the Midwest of America.  He continues “It’s the smiles man, that’s what is missing from this place.  The smiles.”  I think of big cities like LA and Seoul as prisons.  Nobody smiles, because a smile is a sign of weakness.  One smile, and the predators start circling.  Best to keep a straight face, or a frown, or more popularly among the elderly, a scowl.

The previous Sunday, I’d been in Itaewon in the morning.  At around 11am, I see this foreigner standing in the middle of the road.  He’s standing at the intersection near the Itaewon fire station.  Drunk or high out of his mind, he is just standing there in the middle of the street, staring at the ground and drooling all over himself.  He literally has saliva dribbling out of his mouth and onto his shirt.  I watch as a cars whiz past him.  He slowly stumbles forward and then backwards again as taxis (fxxx taxis) and other cars shoot past him.

A crowd of bystanders is also watching this scene with great anticipation, cell phones ready to snap pictures should our foreigner friend be smashed by a car.  Of course, nobody is stepping into the street to help him, because that would be too human.  He very slowly stumbles around the intersection as drivers avoid him.  He gets near the curb, and a young Korean guy grabs his shirt and pulls him off of the street.  Tons of other foreigners standing around, and the only person to take the initiative is a young Korean guy who looks like he is in university.  I read somewhere that in Korea, 9 times out of 10, when a person falls into the subway tracks, it is a male in this specific age group (20-24) that rescues them.  Perhaps something about the military service, and soul crushing post-graduation office life stamp out whatever civic spirit people had back when they were in university.

The drunk seemingly has no clue that he has been removed from the street, or that anything has happened to him at all.  He just stands there, drooling all over himself before stepping back out into traffic.  Upon reaching this extreme level of intoxication, Koreans for the most part, tend to find a flat place to lie down, kick off their shoes and pass out.  Actually, Korea is rather famous for its public-sleeping drunks, who manage to sleep in various positions under all manner of circumstances, all while not being robbed.  This is something that western people cannot wrap their heads around.  If you pass out on the street in Los Angeles or London, the best thing that could happen would be the police arresting you and removing you from the street immediately, before the predators/gangbangers/skinheads/frat boys/other human scum see you. One of the things that East Asia has going for it, is that the victimization of other human beings is largely something that happens behind closed doors.  Passing out on the streets of Seoul or Tokyo, one will more often than not wake up with all of their possessions intact.

Living in Korea is like doing a PhD in behavioral public drunkenness.  I have seen drunks of every size and shape but I’ve never seen someone so wasted manage to remain vertical.  It is a sight to behold.  The drunk is completely non-responsive to those around him.  As I stand there and watch the scene unfold, two ajummas and a young girl come up to me with broad smiles painted across their faces.  They invite me to learn about their lord and savior Jesus Christ, and try to hand me some Jehovah ’s Witness pamphlets.  I wave them away.  It’s like I said before; there are no free smiles in Seoul.

Back at the Goldfish Bar, I drain my beer.  The hooker who was spitting into the gutter in front of 7-11 crosses the street back towards us.  I cannot tell if she is a man or a woman, though generally the bars on the Goldfish side are transgender bars, with the exception of one or two.  Henry starts up again “I have this theory about why Korean men go whoring.  Most of them aren’t actually in it for the sex.  They go whoring because they miss the smiles.  They get out of the military service, and suddenly the carefree smiles from women are gone.  Instead, they are being sized up financially as future potential supporters.  After years of grueling hours in the office, and being treated like a human ATM machine by their families, they have to go out and pay women to be kind to them, to smile, to treat them like human beings.  This is what they are actually paying for.  Kindness from women is now a commodity.  They are paying to be treated like a human again.”  I’m not sure that I agree entirely, but I think he may have a point in there somewhere.

——————–

Every once in a while I pop in to Dave’s ESL café to reacquaint myself with the trials and tribulations of Korea’s EFL population.  A recent visit reveals the pressing concerns affecting Korea’s humble, light skinned immigrant class:

esl_cafe_daves

It’s interesting to see how many posts on ESL café revolve around food, and how to prepare food, and how to import food, and where to buy food.  One can also bet that any thread longer than 3 pages will inevitably veer completely off topic and devolve into a shouting match between someone who spends too much time on the internet, and someone who likes to argue with people who spend too much time on the internet.

——————–

One of my associates recently raised the question of how long a mentally disturbed foreigner could live in Korea before the Korean people around them picked up on it.  The general consensus was that a foreigner could quite possibly live in Korea indefinitely without the people around them realizing that they were nuts.  I’ve seen/heard/met foreigners who are married with kids, whose wives seem to have no clue that they are suffering from serious mental issues.  I also worked with a guy who was quite possibly a psychopath.

He constantly demanded attention and broke down when he didn’t get it.  When you think about it, a classroom is a perfect place for people who constantly demand attention.  The guy would be acting normal all day long, and then after work, he would send text messages and emails to coworkers saying insane things like “I want to punch you in the face!” or “When I meet people like you, I want to go on a shooting spree.”  The guy spent the better part of 8 months trying to get our co-worker fired because he refused to accept his friend invitation on Facebook.  He called my female co-worker out of the blue once, screaming that he was going to go to her apartment and strangle her.  When she complained to our boss, the guy apologized, saying “Oh, sorry, I drank too much coffee that day.”  After I finished my contract, I heard the Koreans promoted the guy to manager, which being Korea, one can’t actually be too surprised at.

It is a well established fact that serious long term alcoholic teachers can survive and even thrive in Korea.  In a sense, they only risk getting fired when their drinking gets so bad that they start missing classes.  Koreans aren’t so good at picking up subtle and even not-so-subtle clues exhibited by foreigners who may be suffering from untreated mental illnesses.  Of course to pre-screen for this, the Koreans would actually have to employ western doctors, which we know will never happen.

Posted in Itaewon, Uncategorized | 10 Comments

Lies (You’ve Probably) Told to (Korean) Women in Bars

Posted on May 13, 2013 by The Expat

expat2It’s Saturday night and I’m driving to Itaewon to meet a friend.  As I stop at the red light before the Banpo bridge, a woman in a new silver S-Class Mercedes pulls up next to me.  Her window is down, and she is smoking.  She is in her mid-20’s, and is attractive.  She is inhaling and blowing smoke out the window, glancing over at me as we wait for the light to turn green.  I glance back.  This is as close as we will ever get.  She smiles.  I smile.  We are two beings on the same path; we will only ever meet side by side, never in opposition.  Sometimes two particles spinning around in the Large Hadron Collider will momentarily meet side by side.  Some particles meet in opposition and smash, but sometimes, every once in a while, particles meet side by side.  That is us.  We are those particles.  Smoking Mercedes girl and myself are two particles that will never meet in opposition.  Two different worlds bound never to collide.  Our collision would result in the shattering of necessary illusions, and illusions are what keep most of us going.  The light turns green and we go our separate ways.  Two particles in the Large Hadron Collider; headed in the same direction at the same speed.  We may meet side by side, but never in opposition.

At Sortino’s in Itaewon, I am joining a Korean female friend of mine who is accompanied by a white guy I’ve never met before.  Apparently, this is the “new guy” she is dating.  My friend comes from a good family.  She is well educated, and lived in the States from elementary school until she finished her MA at a well known east coast university.  She is well rounded, English-fluent, open minded, fashion-conscious and a scholar of the arts.  She is also witty, and a good conversationalist.  My plan is to join them for a glass of wine, and then make a false claim about having another appointment (actually I do have another appointment, to drink cheap beer alone at the Hollywood Grill).

I shake hands with the other white guy (TOWG).  He has a firm handshake.  I make small talk with my lady friend, catching up on recent events.  Out of politeness, I make small talk with TOWG.  I ask him what he does for a living.  He tells me that he is an investment banker.  I try not to spit red wine all over the table.  He has board marker stains on the area of his hand between his pinkie finger and his wrist, which is a dead giveaway to ESL teacher status.  Unless of course, he is an investment banker who writes on a whiteboard all day.  He is wearing an off-the-rack suit jacket and he is about 23 years old.  His appearance and age, and the board marker stains on his hands all scream ‘ESL Teacher!’.

I have to exercise great restraint in order not to blurt out “That’s funny, I used to tell Korean women the same thing when I’d be out at bars or clubs.”  Apparently, Itaewon and Korea are full of western ‘investment bankers’, and they are all 23 years old, and they all have board marker stains on the palms of their hands.  We’re all investment bankers between the hours of 6pm and 5am, at least that’s what we tell Korean women, in bars.

TOWG tells me that he’s big into climbing the corporate ladder.  Like, he’s working his way up to the top and pinwheeling at terminal velocity towards international banker big swinging dick status.  I know that TOWG is being economical with the truth, and by being economical with the truth, I mean that he is telling a bold faced lie about being a high flying investment banker when he is in fact a hagwon teacher.  And herein lays the dilemma.  You see, there are various codes that men live by and on top of those rules and unspoken codes, there exist further codes that expat men of alpha male intelligence observe and abide by.

One of those unspoken expat rules is that one expat should never publicly question another expat’s stories, no matter how wild and fantastical they are.  Another of the unspoken rules is that one expat shall not c-block another expat or otherwise hinder him in his pursuit of female attention.  Yeah, I know what you’re thinking.  These are silly frat boy rules that no grown man would ever dream of observing.  But, my friends, you are overlooking one of the fundamental aspects of any civilized society; that social and behavioral norms and rules are set by the majority and within those broad sets of social rules, various subgroups set their own norms and rules by which they live.  Without organization, there would be chaos.  So I refrain from questioning TOWG’s story and I refrain from attempting to c-block him.

And by the way, someone should do a masters thesis on the lies that (foreign) men tell to (Korean) women in bars.  Somewhere there is a 300 page thesis on this topic waiting to be written.  For example, what is the most common false occupation that ESL teachers claim in Itaewon bars, and why?  And then contrast that with the most common lies that English teachers tell in Hongdae bars.  Are the lies different?  Is there any actual measurable benefit to telling such lies?  Like, do women maintain their interest in you for just a little longer if you tell them that you are an investment banker, and not an English teacher?

“I am an English teacher” is what you say to women when you are not interested in talking to them, apparently.  Of course, in shittier, cheaper, more hipster bars in HBC and Hongdae, the ESL teachers also spin fantastical lies, except the lies aren’t the same.  Instead of saying “I’m an investment banker”, they say things like “I’m an artist” or “I’m a musician” because in the bars of Hongdae or HBC, the women have never heard the words ‘investment banker’ before, and so it holds no social (or hipster) currency.

Plus if you are a white person in one of these bars, everyone already assumes that you are an English teacher, so it’s always interesting when these guys attempt to spin wild stories about how they are not English teachers when in fact the women who go to such bars, who are English interested and open-minded are in all likelihood okay with the idea of talking to an English teacher.  In fact, they are probably looking for free English practice anyway, and on top of that, you are probably dumb enough to buy them drinks as well, so in effect, they will be getting free English practice, and free drinks.  It’s a good deal for her; she gets to practice English, she gets free drinks, and at the end of the night she gets to go back home to her Korean boyfriend while you get to go home alone in a taxi.

So perhaps there actually IS a reason to tell the “I’m not an English teacher” lie.  Perhaps if one tells this lie, then the locals will be dissuaded from seeking free English conversation during your off hours.  Perhaps if you tell people that you are an artist, or an investment banker, or a musician, or a photographer, or a race car driver, or an engineer, then their needy little eyes won’t light up, a free English lesson will not take place, and drinks will not be purchased.  Sometimes I get the feeling that when you tell Korean people that you are an English teacher, they make the mistake of assuming that you are their English teacher, or better yet, you are English teacher to all Koreans, and that your visa dictates that if you are stopped by a Korean at any time, that you are obligated to provide them with free English conversation.  Hence the “I’m anything but an English teacher” lie.

What, then, happens when you’ve been stringing some poor gold digger along, telling her that you are an investment banker, and finally you lead her back to your one-room ESL teacher lair?  How do you explain that exactly?  Bringing her back to your place was the endgame goal, right?  But bringing her back to your ESL teacher hovel will surely shatter any illusion of high flying investment banker status, so what’s an ESL teacher to do?  Perhaps tell her that your mansion is being renovated and that you’re temporarily staying in a love motel until the Chinese day laborers replace all of the marble tiles in your three story villa?

What happens when you’ve been leading on some poor 20 year old English sponge from the Ho Bar in Hongdae, telling her that you are a musician touring with your band in Korea, and when she gets back to your one-room ESL teacher hovel she sees that there is no guitar, no bass, no drums, no instruments at all?  What then?  Do you tell her that your gear is all stored in your “studio” where your “band” rehearses?  I’m always curious how these things play out.  There’s a book waiting to be written about this topic out there, someone just has to conduct the interviews and string them all together, MBC style.  “Shocking Truth About Relationships with Foreigners” style.

The only problem is that a Korean can’t be trusted to compile the interviews, because they’ll just lie and BS the entire thing, including the sources.  Nope, it would have to be western-researched, and western-written, published solely in English.  “Lies I’ve Heard Foreign English Teachers Tell in Bars” written by Anonymous, or something like that.  And you (the author) would have to be out of the country when it hit the presses.

I can imagine it now, the victims will give their statements.  “He told me that he was in a rock band, but when we went back to his apartment to have sex, there were no instruments, just piles of grade school English tests, and board markers strewn across the floor.  I thought I was having unprotected sex with a musician, but I ended up having unprotected sex with an ESL teacher.  I feel so dirty, so violated.  I was lied to and taken advantage of.”

Or, “He told me he was an investment banker, and showed me the key to his Mercedes Benz.  I asked for his business card, but he said he didn’t have any.  I agreed to go back to his place with him, but he said that his Mercedes was in the shop, so we had to take a taxi.  When we got to his place, he said that workers were renovating it, and that he was staying in a love motel until the renovations were finished.  When we got inside the love motel, he told me that he’d lost his wallet and asked me to pay for the room.  After having unprotected sex, and while he was in the shower, I checked through his jacket pockets trying to find his ID card, but all I found were whiteboard markers.  I feel so cheated, so dirty.  I thought I was having unprotected sex with an investment banker but I ended up having unprotected sex with an ESL teacher.”

Shocking stories of deception and greed, broken hearts and shattered dreams, next week on MBC.

I finish my glass of wine with my Korean friend and TOWG, and then excuse myself.  I proceed across the street, down to the Hollywood Grill and order my usual beer.  I’m into my second beer when two Korean college girls sitting to my left ask me what time it is.  Yeah, these two university students, early 20’s, in the most wired country on the planet, and neither of them has a smartphone or wristwatch to check what time it is.  I am married, so “Giving Free English Lessons to University Girls”, however tempting, is no longer listed on my CV.  I make small talk.  They ask me how long I’ve been in Korea.  I tell them that I’ve been in Korea for many years.  Usually, this is an instant mood killer for women who hunt white men in Korea.  To them, “I’ve been in Korea for many years” translates into “I’ve had many Korean girlfriends, and I know how Korea, and Korean girls operate.”   Most women instantly lose interest when you tell them that you’ve been in Korea for several years.

My new friends then ask me what I do in Korea.  I think cycle through the inventory of lies that I have committed to memory. The longer you have spent in Korea, the more creative you have to be with your personal life history.  Not wanting to give out a free English lesson, or explain what an “investment banker” is, I simply tell them that I am jobless, and that I am very poor.  This is usually a surefire way to deter even the most aggressive English hunters.  When women hear “I don’t have a job”, they translate this to mean “He can’t spend money on me”, and they usually split.  My two new friends however seem to think that this is very funny.  They laugh, “We also have no job, we are just students!”  They are going camping next weekend, they ask me if I want to join them for camping and drinking.  They ask for my phone number.  God bless Itaewon, and god bless the Hollywood Grill.  Cold beer, no k-pop, and attention given to expats of the lowest social status; no ‘Investment bankers’, ‘musicians’ or ‘artists’ allowed.

Posted in The Expat | 56 Comments

Who isn’t writing?

Posted on May 7, 2013 by The Expat
Happy Early Parents Day: Expat Hell supports single mothers on Itaewon's Hooker Hill, one banknote at a time.

Happy Early Parents Day: The Expat Hell Foundation supports single mothers on Itaewon’s Hooker Hill, one banknote at a time.

I write about Korean encounters and experiences of a personal kind.  I think of it as an overlooked literary genre.  In the online library of foreign authored contemporary Korea-related literature, the number of sub-genres is fairly limited.  If you want to read about politics (yawn), k-pop (yawn), newbie teacher tips (yawn), restaurant reviews (shoot me now) or inter-Korean tourism (honk if you love tour buses), then Korea’s resident expat scribblers have got you covered.

But what about me?  What about my needs?  I don’t want to read about politics, k-pop, newbie teacher tips, restaurant reviews or inter-Korean tourism.  I want to read about unfiltered and uncensored Korean experiences of a personal kind.  The question is: Why is material of this genre so difficult to find?  And the answer is:  Because no one is writing it.

So, who isn’t writing?  That’s the real question then.  Who is not writing about the Korean/Foreigner scene and the Korean/Foreigner personal experiences they have gone through?  Who are these non-contributors and what is their excuse?  More importantly, what should be their punishment?  All taking and no giving?  That isn’t really fair.

I know one expat who owns a restaurant.  He has been in Korea with his wife and child since 1998.  He has employed Koreans and foreigners.  He has paid bribes to various inspectors and officials.  He has been cheated by suppliers and landlords.  Despite these setbacks, he has survived, and continues to survive.  We sit down for a beer once every month or two.  He is a good story teller, with an endless well of Korea-related foreigner stories to share.  His total number of written posts or published works?  Zero.  Zip.  Nothing.  Selfish, isn’t it?  He owes us.  He has a responsibility.

I have an American friend named Henry (not his real name) who has been in Korea longer than I have.  He has a Korean wife and two children.  He used to work for Lehman Brothers Korea.  When Lehman went belly up, Henry started teaching English.  From the boardroom to the classroom in less than 6 months. He is spooky smart, and does not belong in the classroom, but his wife refuses to leave Korea, so what’s he going to do?  Alcoholic binges, jail, layoffs, days and weeks spent living in goshiwons while juggling three near full time jobs.  He’s definitely got stories to tell.  Total number of contributions to the Korean/Foreigner literary scene?  Zero.  16 years spent in Korea, and not a peep.  He owes us.  This guy has a responsibility.

I have another American friend living out in Suwon.  Big ex-military guy who had previously been stationed in Korea during his military career.  A constant source for alpha male stories.  His unit once encountered a group of North Korean soldiers attempting to wade across a river near the DMZ.  What did his unit do?  “Used them for target practice” he says.  He came back and took up permanent residence here in 1996.  He has had hundreds of interesting Korean encounters and experiences.  He is currently on his third Korean wife.  The stories from his first two marriages could fill a book.  So where then are his posts, and stories, and essays?  Where’s the sharing?  Whatever happened to male bonding?  This guy owes us.  He has a responsibility.

I know a Kiwi guy who has been in the trenches for years.  We used to be neighbors and regular drinking buddies.  This guy is a character.  After getting married, he lived with his Korean wife and in-laws.  One day, his wife cleaned out his life savings and vanished.  Phone disconnected, emails bounced back.  Not a trace.  Did the parents know where she went?  Nope.  Did her friends know?  Nope.  Did she give notice at her job?  Nope.  They only found out 8 months later when she got deported back to Korea from the US for overstaying her tourist visa.  Oh, and by the way, she was also pregnant with some other guy’s child.  I suppose this is what happens when you meet your future wife in a bar.  Total number of online submissions by my Kiwi friend?  Nada.  Zero.  Would it kill him to write a 400 words of a personal nature once in a while to dazzle and entertain us?  This guy owes us.  He has a responsibility.

People who write are essentially creating a record of a place and time; a kind of archive.  History counts if we count. Do we count? Do our lives and our times count? I think they do.  People who write are stockpiling for history.  This takes caring, and a view to history, and contributors in text. So, where are the writers?

I know a Korean American guy named Don (name changed).  He is morbidly obese.  He has a flat nose and dark skin, so most Koreans think that he is not Korean.  He actually looks more Samoan than anything.  Koreans are amazed that he speaks Korean.  He likes to pull up his shirt and show people the scars from where the doctors removed huge heaps of fat from his body.  It’s his version of a party trick.  Sometimes he tells small children or naive Korean waitresses that he was attacked by a shark.  He has lived in Itaewon for over a decade.  He has spent the vast majority of his time within a 5 km radius of Itaewon’s main street.  He has spent every afternoon, for more than a decade, sitting in either the Seoul Pub or the Hollywood Grille or the Goldfish Bar eating lunch and watching people.  More than 10 years of watching the comings and goings of Itaewon –Korea’s expat skid-row for Christ’s sake — and he’s got nothing to write about?  Shameful.  SHAMEFUL, Don.

Speaking of the Goldfish Bar, if you were ever interested in doing a clinical study on expat alcoholism, this (and the Seoul Pub) is where you would get your PHd.  There are groups of middle aged and older expat men who hang out at the Goldfish Bar drinking cold beer on most evenings or weekend afternoons.  Sometimes they’ll park their motorcycles outside.  Most of them have Filipina wives, and motorcycles, and faces ravaged by experience.  Look at their faces and you know that they have thousands of expat stories to tell.  Where are their contributions to the Korean/foreigner experience?

My gyopo friend “B” works in TV and broadcasting.  His on-screen persona differs greatly from his off-screen persona.  He talks more shit about Korean life than any expat I’ve ever met.  He once took me to a party at a Sushi restaurant near the Ritz Carlton in Seoul.  B’s company had rented out the entire restaurant.  The restaurant was filled with ajeossis, and young beautiful women.  Some of my other friends will recall this party quite vividly because after we sat down at our booth, we noticed that all of the girls were wearing small number badges.  I asked “B” why the women all had number badges.  His response?  “This is a sponsor party, these girls are from talent agencies and they are looking for men to sponsor them.”  Say what?  “Yeah, I’ve been to lots of these.  Some of the girls are working in TV or in music already.”  Say what??  “If a man sees a girl he likes, he writes down her number, and her manager or agency arranges for them to meet privately.”  Say what???  Some of these girls look like teenagers.  “Some of them are teenagers.”  Say what????  “B” has been to other parties like this, and yet he has nothing to write about or contribute?  “B” knows dirt on lots of celebs and TV personalities, but he’s not sharing with us.  That isn’t fair is it?  This guy has a responsibility.

The point is, what these long term non-contributors are doing is a crime.  They are withholding.  They should be writing, or writing more frequently.  The oldest expat I’ve ever met is a guy who first came here in 1966.  In 1970 he took up permanent residence.  He married a Korean woman and had three children with her. His children are older than I am.  He is still married, and still living in Korea.  He has written volumes and volumes of text on various obscure subjects, but not a word about his daily life, or even what it was like to live in Korea in the 1970’s or 1980’s.  Why not?  Too personal?  Is he too good for us?

Why not throw us a bone every once in a while?  Who do they think they are fooling?  They aren’t fooling me.  I’m not fooled.  They are withholding from us.  They have stories to tell, but they are keeping these stories to themselves.  These long-term non-contributors are exhibiting a level of disrespect that can no longer be tolerated.  Something must be done, but what?

Posted in Itaewon, Life in Korea, The Expat | 58 Comments

“F” Stands for F— You

Posted on April 30, 2013 by The Expat

expat2Greetings Haebongcheon hipsters and Seocho Socialites, Jake here to dispel rumors and spread the gospel. Today we’ll address the non-sense rumor that having an F2, F5 or F6 visa automatically results increased pay and an upgrade in lifestyle.

What many don’t seem to understand about Korea’s spouse visas is that they aren’t the equivalent of having a Korean passport. They don’t provide one with equal rights or useful additional benefits other than:

-Not having your visa controlled by your employer.
-Not being restricted to working one job.
-Not having to go to the immigration office every 365 days.

What the F-visa does not provide:

-Guaranteed jobs.
-Higher salaries.
-More respect.
-Sex with supermodels.
-Job security.
-Insurance against getting screwed by your employer.
-Exemption from Ministry of Education rules.
-Reduced frustration in dealing with local businesses.
-Reduced frustration in dealing with government officials.
-Reduced frustration in dealing with banks.

Let me preface this by saying that the “success” you see among many if not most F-visa holders in Korea is not related to the privileges afforded to them by the F-visa itself. You don’t magically get a pay raise when you change your visa status. Korean language ability not considered, the F-visa alone doesn’t open doors to professional non-teaching jobs that pay more than teaching does.

When you see F-visa holders who are “successful” in Korea, they usually fit into one of the below mentioned categories:

  1. Came to Korea with a significant amount of money already saved.
  2. Borrowed/took money from parents-in-law to start a hagwon/other business.
  3. Has rent/bills subsidized by parents-in-law.
  4. Has a spouse who earns as much or more than they do.
  5. Is somehow able to earn money independently either online, or through small business ventures setup with minimal capital, or through talented niche labor such as music, sports, design, programming, etc.
  6. Started a small business, and grew it slowly into a larger business using personal savings.
  7. Has a professional brick and mortar job that is not related to teaching (banker, attorney, senior executive, diplomat, restaurant owner, hotel manager etc)
  8. Despite only teaching, is a prodigious money saver and has a working wife who is also a prodigious money saver.
  9. Works a “suicide shift” juggling multiple jobs.

Let’s talk for a moment about the various categories, and the numbers of people I’ve met over the past decade who are members of each category.

Category 1 – Came to Korea with a significant amount of money. Why would someone do this? This is counter-intuitive. People with lots of money tend to move to nice places, with sunny beaches, clean streets and nice weather year round. In my near decade in Korea, I’ve met only one or two people who were already independently wealthy prior to arriving in Korea. These people without exception, come here because they are married to a Korean spouse who has some specific reason to be in Korea. These people usually leave Korea within a set period of time, and do not spend more than a few years here. Heck, even wealthy Koreans tend to leave Korea, or at least send as many of their family members out as possible.

Category 2 – Borrowed money from in-laws to start an English school. Most self-proclaimed “success” stories I’ve heard come from people to fit into this category. In fact, I’ve met more “successful” people in this category than I have any other category. For example, some of the most vocal Korea apologists on Dave’s ESL Café fit very neatly into this category. They arrived in Korea broke, got married, and then either borrowed or accepted massive loans or contributions from their Korean parents-in-law to start an English academy. For example, I know one Dave’s poster who received $600,000 in cash from his Korean in-laws to buy office space, and then a further ~$200,000 to renovate it and turn it into an English academy.

Another frequent Dave’s poster received a large sum of cash and an office space from his wife’s siblings in order to open an English school. A third individual not only received an apartment from his in-laws, but his father in-law gave he and his wife an entire building with rental income from several units, essentially guaranteeing that he would never have to work again. This was certainly better than teaching elementary school, which is what he did when he first arrived in Korea. I met a couple from outside of Seoul who started a chain of academies after the wife’s family gave them around $300,000 in startup capital.

Another expat who owns a fairly well-known restaurant/pub has his in-laws to thank, because they bought the place outright and paid for the renovations to the tune of over $500,000 USD. And on the months when the business doesn’t make a profit, the in-laws step in and make up the difference. These expats tend to stay in Korea for extended periods of time, because they either have a commitment to repay massive loans to their in-laws, or because their in-laws gave them large sums of cash contingent on the agreement that they remain in Korea. These people tend to enjoy telling others how “successful” they are, and are often times quite defensive of even the ugliest aspects of Korean life.

Category 3 – Rent and Bills Subsidized by Korean Parents-in-law. I know quite a few expats whose rent and bills are paid for partially or in full by Korean in-laws, and some of these couples even receive a monthly allowance. I know one couple who were fully supported in rent/utilities/food/vacations by Korean in-laws because the husband “wanted to take time off and study Korean.” His “studies” have been going on for four years now, and he still doesn’t speak Korean very well. I know another expat whose in-laws bought them a new apartment, and then took them shopping for everything to fill the apartment. The husband and wife merely pay for food and cell phone bills. These people tend to stay in Korea for extended periods of time, because they’ve essentially hit the jackpot here and have absolutely no reason to leave.

Category 4 – Has a spouse who earns as much, or more money than they do. For expat men, this is somewhat rare simply due to the lack of high paying jobs for women in Korea. That being said, I’ve met at least 4 expats whose wives hold high paying jobs. When I say “high paying”, I mean earning more than $80,000usd per year. Their wives almost exclusively work at large foreign owned companies. Among local companies, women are paid 64% of what men are paid for equal work. I know one expat professor who is married to a Korean professor, and combined, they do quite well. Due to the international nature of their work, and the fact that their wives have skill sets that allow them to more easily get work abroad, these couples tend to leave Korea within a set period of time, either to transfer to a better environment, or for the sake of their children’s education and upbringing.

Category 5 – Earns money online or via some small business venture setup with minimal capital, or through talented niche labor such as music, acting, design, programming etc. I can’t say I’ve met too many expats in this category. Most of my musician expat friends claim to be poor, though I think this might be because they drink most of their earnings instead of saving them. My expat friends who appear on TV are far from being “rich” or “well off”, in fact most of them complain about expat life in Korea more than I do, and I think it is because they have to deal with Korean styles of “management” more directly, and also because their bosses and co-workers (at English TV channels, producing English TV shows) tend not to speak English at all.

I know two other expats who earn a living doing graphic design. I earn the bulk of my personal income from design and other related ventures. This is more of a talent than a skill. Pay can vary wildly. Some days I earn nothing at all. Other days I earn my old ESL monthly salary in 8 hours or less. I know of a few F-visa expats who get paid to plug Korean products or food on their blogs, but what they get paid is almost laughable and they more often than not have to seek out other employment to stay afloat.

Category 6 – Started a small business with savings and grew it. I’ve met two expats in this category. They funded their own startups without support from in-laws. This usually involves starting by teaching privates, and then growing that to a small local study room, which in turn grows to a larger study room and eventually (after years) morphs into a full sized hagwon. This is hard work, and actually requires some business knowledge. If you do things wrong, you get stung quickly, and your in-laws don’t jump in to bail you out. These types of expats exist, but are fairly rare. You can usually spot them by the black bags under their eyes and the grey hairs on their heads. Growing a business in Korea without help from mommy and daddy is a brutal, life changing experience. These expats tend to want to leave Korea, but seldom do because they don’t want to give up what they spent years and years building for the uncertainly of life outside of Korea.

Category 7 – Has a professional brick and mortar job that is not related to teaching (banker, attorney, senior executive, diplomat, restaurant owner, hotel manager etc). By and large, these guys tend to be married to foreign women, but that is not always the case. Though I have not personally met such an expat who is married to a Korean, I know for a fact that they exist in Korea, because I’ve seen pictures of them. They exist, but they are exceedingly rare. The average banker, diplomat or executive is married before they arrive in Korea, and while they may sponsor a Korean girlfriend, they aren’t about to leave their wife and kids to start a new and exciting life in Korea.

Category 8 – Prodigious money saver. This category is the most interesting to me. I know one expat who fits this category exclusively. He is a hagwon teacher, and his Korean wife is also a hagwon teacher. He gets paid significantly more than she does. Combined, their monthly income is probably ~4.6million KRW after taxes because neither of them works an extra job or teaches privates. They live with her parents, and pay a small but reasonable amount of rent. They subscribe to the minimum cell phone plan. They share a computer. They eat at home every night. They don’t buy things that they don’t need. They don’t own a car and they only take one vacation every few years, to the cheapest possible place. They only buy things if they have a coupon. I’m going to guess that both husband and wife were raised in frugal environments. They probably save over 4.2 million won per month. Not much, but also not bad for working two low-paid 9-5 hagwon jobs with no weekend or overtime work.

Category 9 – Works a “suicide shift”. My buddy Henry fits into this category. Non-working wife, two small kids, and in-laws who own a money-losing farm. He is basically fucked. This is the one category that you, the married expat, never want to fall into. Broke in-laws are no problem if you have a working wife. A non-working wife is no problem if you have a corporate job in the top 5% income bracket, or have wealthy in-laws. Having kids is no problem provided you have either (1) wealthy in-laws (2) a corporate job (3) other sources of income besides teaching or (4) a working wife.

If your life consists of kids, a non-working wife, broke in-laws and a teaching job, you are basically fucked. And I don’t like to say it because I have a few good friends who are “fucked” and don’t want to admit that they are “fucked” and don’t want other people to point out that they are “fucked”, quite understandably. But consider this; EFL salaries in Korea have dropped, and will continue to drop. Inflation in the mean time has not reversed, and apartment prices, though declining are astronomically out of reach if you are only earning 3million won a month and supporting a family with that. Korea is a society based on parental support. Parents pay for weddings, tuition, cars, apartments, etc. Parents co-sign loans and subsidize bills with the expectation that you will in turn subsidize them when they are too old to work.

Lacking that familial support, banks and loans are heavily relied upon. You will rarely if ever meet a Korean couple who started off with zero, worked hard, and without parental support or loans or credit cards, paid cash for their wedding/honeymoon/apartment/vehicles/children’s tuition etc. They would be the extreme exception to the rule. Are you an extreme exception to the rule? I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but if you fit into the ‘have kids/a non-working wife/broke in-laws/working a teaching job’ category of expats, then your chances of getting ahead financially are pretty dismal. And this is what leads many an expat to work the “suicide shift”.

Allow me to explain the “suicide shift”: You wake up at 5:30am because your first corporate class is at 6:30am. You shower, eat, and get on the train. You teach at one company from 6:30am to 8am. You get back on the train and go to the other side of town, where you teach at another company from 9am to 11:00am. You rush out the door to teach a 1:1 executive class during lunch time at another company, and then arrive at your after-school gig at 12:45, 15 minutes before your first class starts. You teach five classes at the after-school gig and then take a taxi to your night gig, where you teach adults or executives from 6:30pm until 9:30pm. On Saturdays, you work two three hour blocks and then teach a private lesson or two. You get home at 8pm Saturday night.

You haven’t interacted with your wife, children etc. in 6 days. They want to go out, they want to go shopping, they want to go to the playground, they want to go out and eat. You don’t want to go out because you are tired, exhausted, physically in pain and mentally drained. Your feet have blisters that never heal because you are standing and talking all day. You have chronic back problems because you never have time to sit down. You are suffering from chronic sleep deprivation because you sleep just 3-5 hours a night on week days and wake up early on Saturdays. You are eating shitty food because you are always in a rush. Most of your meals come from convenience stores. You can’t remember the last time you did something simple, like go inside of a bank, because banks are closed on Sundays, which are your only days off. You have dark circles under your eyes, and find that you are irritable at all times. You either don’t have friends, or you never see them because you have to tend to your family on your single day off each week. You won’t be getting the mandatory yearly salary increases that local husbands get. With a non-working wife, and broke in-laws, you won’t be getting bank loans for your home or your children’s education, because as a foreign passport holder, you are basically a non-human when it comes to banks and loans regardless of how much you actually earn at the end of the month.

For all of your effort, you probably take home between 6 and 8 million KRW per month, but a chunk of it vanishes because you have to pay rent and other expenses, plus your wife is secretly giving money to her broke parents so that they won’t starve in the winter. You’ve never once walked or driven your own child to school in the morning. You have for the most part, missed birthdays and anniversaries, or celebrated them late because of your schedule. You’ll have little to no relationship with your children because they’ll be sleeping when you get home each night. Your children will be more fluent in Korean than they ever are in English. You’ll save enough money to retire, but you will probably die prematurely. If the EFL market takes a dive, your situation will start to get even more painful, in a very rapid fashion. You have a “get rich or die trying” mentality, except in your case, the odds heavily favor the “die trying” part. You won’t be attending Korean classes, and you won’t be taking many vacations unless the stars all align perfectly and you get 2-3 days off when a weekend and national holiday meet. On paper, you are successful. You make more money than your wives’ friends’ husbands. You are however, fucked.

And so friends, in conclusion, whenever you see an F-visa holder bragging about their “success” in Korea, take a moment and think to yourself which category they belong to. From my own personal experience, most of the expat “success stories” you will encounter fall into categories 2 or 3, though the people who fall into this category will almost never admit to falling into this category. If you meet someone in category 1, you should avoid them, because they are probably crazy. If you meet someone in categories 5, 6 or 8 you should probably ask them for advice. If you meet someone in category 2 or 3, you should avoid them at all costs, as they probably spend their days posting on Dave’s ESL café about how successful they are, and how well they speak Korean. They also make good targets for kidnapping, as they have foolish in-laws who are easily separated from their money. People in category 6 are unpredictable. Anyone who achieves long-term business success in Korea should probably not be trusted for the simple fact that they know how the corrupt system works, and have in a sense become a part of that system. They’ll either have gone completely native, or have maintained their sanity through drink or exercise.

If you meet an expat in category 9… well, you’ll never actually meet one because they’re too busy working. You’ll only ever see them in the office, and even then, they’ll probably be hunched over and sleeping on their desk. They exist in Korea for long periods of time without ever leaving any foot prints. You only see them in passing, or read about them in newspaper articles after they jump from buildings or leap in front of moving trains.

Posted in Life in Korea, The Expat | 66 Comments

Chainsaws, Gochu-jang and Body Builder Tanning Oil

Posted on April 26, 2013 by The Expat

expat2Today’s posting will feature multiple pieces. If the first piece doesn’t offend you, then read on and perhaps another piece will.

IN SEARCH OF RELAXATION

Billions of expensive grain-fed Korean farm cattle now have mysterious cancerous growths, deep undersea tectonic plates are moving apart and secreting primordial molten rock, the ozone layer is expanding and emitting cancer causing radiation, magpie and other avifauna are losing migratory navigational instincts.

The center cannot hold . . . all is entropy and the downward loop of chaos and the cessation of simple systems and primitive creatures that have lost their way. Violence is increasing and happiness is decreasing. The Earth is a closed system spinning towards a state of maximum homogeneity with no vent. And what is the solution for this comprehensive breakdown of balanced nature? A trip to the massage parlor.

Allow me to preface this by saying that some expats in Korea have dumb luck. For example, some expats arrive fresh off the plane and stumble into a job with low hours, excellent pay, and a nice comfy apartment bigger than most of their peers have. Dumb luck. Not skill, not foresight, not anything else. They stumble into a job where their boss respects them, and never asks them to do unpleasant things, and never jerks them around with regard to pay, hours, housing, contract stipulations, severance pay, or visa sponsorship. The locals always treat them with the highest amount of respect and admiration. When they lose their wallet during a wild night of drinking, someone carefully and meticulously packs it up and posts it back to them via express courier, with all of the money still inside of it. They have unprotected sex hundreds of times without ever waking up the next morning pissing broken glass or fire, without ever being told by the doctor after the mandatory yearly AIDS test that “I think you better sit down for this…” Dumb, stupid luck.

And then there are the rest of us. You see, Korea can be a confusing place for non-Koreans. It’s a land of smoke and mirrors where a barber shop is not actually a barber shop, and a massage shop is not actually a massage shop. A “room salon” has nothing to do arts or fashion or beauty, and a “business club” really has nothing to do with business.

Summer of 2005 – I’m new to Korea and I need a haircut. I walk into a small shop with a spinning barber pole outside of it. This is the universal symbol for a shop that cuts hair. A middle aged woman is sitting on a barber chair, smoking a cigarette and reading a magazine. I smile like a stupid foreigner and make the scissors gesture with my hands. She puts down her magazine, stares at me, and makes the blow-job gesture with her hands. She is cupping with one hand, and stroking with the other. This is not a communication problem; it is a fundamental cultural misunderstanding. Barber shops, like many other places in Korea, are simply venues where men are sexually serviced. Stupid foreigner. Should have consulted the internet before trying to do something stupid, like getting a haircut.

This happens several times, and being new to Korea, and having female co-workers and a female boss, I hesitate to ask why every barber shop seems to have a middle aged woman with no scissors who offers to blow me within seconds of my walking in the front door. I consult the internet and quickly find out the rules of Korean barber shops. Lots of misinformation. Lots of misunderstandings about the number of poles displayed outside, the direction they are spinning (or if they are spinning at all) and what it all means to Korea’s middle aged men who are on an endless crusade for new, exciting and innovative types of sexual commerce.

Turns out that the rule is quite simple: If the barber shop is located in a basement, then it is not a barber shop, but a place of prostitution disguised as a barber shop. If the barber shop has no windows, then it is not a barber shop, but a place of prostitution disguised as a barber shop. If you walk inside and see a barber chair, but no scissors, or combs, or bottles of antiseptic, then it is not a barber shop, but a place of prostitution disguised as a barber shop.

How long would it take someone with no internet connection and no local social network to figure all this out? Who knows? On a side note, I still haven’t figured out singing rooms, and how to determine if they are actual singing rooms, or singing rooms where middle aged women peddle pussy. Generally I’ve found that if you (foreigner) walk into a singing room, and are promptly kicked out, then it is probably an “adult” singing room. Koreans have a sixth sense, or some type of coded, subtle set of signs and symbols that allow them to discern normal businesses from places of prostitution.

Essentially, the same confusion can arise during the search for an actual massage shop. You see, massage shops are everywhere in Korea. Near every major subway station, you will find a multitude of massage shops. Many of them even use the same photos in their windows to advertise. The problem however arises when you try to determine whether it is an actual massage shop, or just a place of prostitution disguised as a massage shop. In this pursuit, I’ve basically given up. I stick to large international hotel chains and tourist areas.

But every once in a while, when I’m bored, I’ll walk into one of these smaller local massage places (I fear nothing). It’s a craps shoot. Sometimes you’ll score and speaking simple Korean, you’ll arrange for yourself a 60 minute massage with no trace of sexual services being offered. When the massage is finished, you’ll smile, the masseuse will smile, and the cashier will smile as you hand over payment. Everyone is happy, the transaction has gone well for all parties involved. Other times the masseuses seem quite confused about that fact that you want “just a massage”. If you really want some strange looks, go inside of one of these places with your wife or girlfriend. They’ll stare at you like you are from another planet.

Women don’t go to these places, and there are probably very good reasons why women don’t go to these places. And you, a foreigner, showing up with your wife/girlfriend to one of these places will confuse everyone inside. You’ll get blank stares followed by mediocre massages because the masseuses are not really masseuses, and even if they are masseuses, they haven’t actually given a proper one hour massage in a long, long time because the majority of their work involves jerking off middle aged salarymen and taxi geezers.

In short, there’s a reason why Korean people laugh at you when you tell them you “got a massage”. But that’s not really what I wanted to talk about today..

 

MAXIMUM ENJOYMENT

Are you like me? Are you a positive-thinking open minded culturally sensitive foreign resident of Korea looking to maximize your enjoyment? Of course you are. Without creating exciting and memorable experiences for yourself, your year in Korea will be nothing more than a single ripple in the pond that is your life. Are you a hardened expat? Have you already ticked the following off of your List of Korean Experiences?

1. Food poisoning.
2. Been scammed by English speaking real estate agents.
3. Lived in HBC.
4. Had your HBC apartment burgled repeatedly.
5. Getting assaulted by drunken locals.
6. Heart broken by girlfriend.
7. Robbed by prostitute in Itaewon.
8. Cultivating alcoholism.
9. Loss of dignity.
10. Loss of health.
11. Chinese voice phishing scam.
12. Being robbed while blacked out on the street from drinking.
13. Local business habits sending blood pressure through the roof.
14. Local medical incompetence (whoops, I dropped the syringe on the floor, let me wipe it off)
15. False AIDS test result (haha gotcha!)
16. Other STD issues (I’m pissing broken glass and razor blades)
17. Trust broken (she said she was a virgin, but I’m pissing broken glass and razor blades)
18. Automobile or motorbike accident (but officer, I was on the sidewalk when he hit me!)
19. Punched in the balls by a student (Isn’t little Seung-min cute?)
20. Taxi accident (Don’t blame the driver, he was drunk!)
21. Being taken to Korean jail, after being assaulted (he hit me first, why am I here?)
22. Cheated by boss, told to ‘be quiet’ and ‘go away’ by the Labor Bureau.
23. Korean boss can’t pay you, but manages to buy a new Audi for his 19 year old girlfriend.
24. Had a student make false accusations against you.
25. Been told by Koreans that you are “handsome” or “beautiful” and then watching as your ugly, disgusting, flunkey co-worker is told the exact same thing.
26. Being scammed by a taxi driver who refuses to use the meter.
27. Riding in taxis with no seat belts, speeding and going through red lights (Please understand my culture)
28. Having random English teacher douche bags in Hongdae try to start fights with you because they are angry about not getting laid.
29. Having random US Army douche bags in Itaewon try to start fights with you because they are angry about not getting laid.
30. Having someone point at your face and excitedly shout “FOREIGNER!”
31. Teaching for 5-10 consecutive years without ever getting a pay raise.
32. Being assaulted, defending yourself, and then having the offender ask for compensation money.
33. Stumbling across a PC in your office where your dog ugly, drunken slob of a co-worker has left his email account logged in, clicking through his emails and seeing profile pictures of all of the dog ugly Korean women he is corresponding with on the internet.
34. Working with older Korean men, who only come to your desk so that they can spit into the trash can that is located next to your feet.
35. Going to Korean jail, and realizing that there is no discernible difference between the food they serve in jail, and the food they serve in public schools and company cafeterias.
36. Gone on vacation outside of Korea during one of the few 3 or 4 day weekends you are afforded, only to encounter tour buses full of Koreans packing containers full of instant noodles.
37. Been approached by pairs of Korean women who invite you to join their religious cult.
38. Seen a man urinating in a children’s playground in broad day light.
39. Going to a hospital, walking into a doctor’s office to find the doctor smoking at his desk.
40. Being approached for free English lessons on the subway, in the book store, or in the café.
41. Having a cold or the flu, going to the doctor, and being given little wax paper packets with 7 different types of pills in them, that you must take 3 times a day for two weeks. (I have the flu, not AIDS, wtf?)
42. Seeing the surprise and happiness on the faces of locals when you speak a few broken words of Korean, then seeing that surprise and happiness turn to suspicion when you speak to them in more fluent Korean.
43. Telling people you speak a little bit of Korean, and then having them give you a surprise grammar drill on the spot. (Why do people do this? Can’t someone claim basic familiarity with a language without being tested on the spot by some asshole foreigner who sits in Korean class 9 hours a day, 5 days a week?)
44.  Been jerked off by a 138cm tall middle aged woman in an 안마.
45.  Received a prostate massage from a 138cm tall middle aged woman in an 안마.
46.  Gotten a job offer based solely on the color of your skin.
47.  Been declined a job offer based solely on the color of your skin.
48.  Eaten dog meat.
49.  Been yelled at for speaking English on the subway or bus.
50.  Gone to jail for punching someone in the face for yelling at you for speaking English in the subway or bus

Have you struck the above 50 items off of your list of Korean Experiences? If not, it’s time to get busy and stop complaining that you have “nothing to do” in Korea.

 

EXPAT HELL BBQ

Summer is coming and you know what that means; the Expat Hell annual Han River BBQ will soon take place. Mark it in your calendar. On the first weekend after the third full moon following the end of the rainy season, we’ll all meet at the Han River Park. We’ll once again gather and prepare a feast beyond all feasts. Arriving in the back of a blue Bongo truck, we’ll have three large swine, one grain-fed Korean bull, ten gallons of gochu-jang, a bucket of salt, and a massive home made charcoal grill. We’ll have plywood tables and bar stools. The bull will be suspended by block and tackle from an A-frame above the charcoal inferno grill.

We’ll have large stainless steel cooking knives, stainless steel cooking spoons with razor sharp edges, greased brown sandwich wrapping paper, three 60 gallon drums, purified water, cooking oil, one packing crate full of various sizes and kinds of oranges, bags of wood chips and imported charcoal, rubber aprons and gloves and boots and mallets, two 1 x 2 meter open top stainless steel boxes with fine mesh grill tops, menu and price sign, rolls of real paper towels (no toilet paper allowed), napkins (with instruction sheet for Koreans), and various food items to be determined later.

We’ll chainsaw pieces of meat from the bull and throw them into the 60 gallon drums where they will be marinated with gochu-jang, cooking oil and salt. We’ll add water, 6 bottles of whiskey, three sticks of butter, a pinch of red pepper paste and 100 eggs to each drum and proceed to mix with chainsaws. An orgy of meat and gochu-jang flying everywhere. What more could one ask for? When the meat is marinated, we’ll dump the remaining fuel from the chainsaws onto the charcoal and fire up the grill. Real men, doing real man things. We’ll have wooden bar stools setup in circles around trees. We’ll have IV bags full of Jack Daniels, and with a staple gun, we will staple these bad boys to the trees with IV lines used as straws, supplying an endless drip of every long term expat’s favorite medicine. Who says we don’t innovate in Korea? Who loves you baby? But first you have to get there.

 

BICYCLE BOWLING

The best way to get to the Han River is by bicycle. You can access Korea’s Han River from nearly any part of Seoul by bicycle. Anyone who has ridden a bicycle in Korea can attest to the fact that the bicycle path is not recognized by pedestrians and hikers as a bicycle path. The solution to this is simple; you need to mount a Pedestrian Deterrent Device (PDD) on your bicycle. Different expats have different preferences when it comes to bicycle mounted deterrents. I’m old school, so I have a WWII era submarine klaxon horn mounted on the handlebars of my bicycle. When I come upon a gaggle of Koreans using the bike path as a foot path, I crank the klaxon horn by hand and the Koreans dart in all directions. Some of them even fall to the ground in a panic. It’s kind of like bowling, and depending on how many human pins you knock down, you can turn it into a fun game with your expat buddies.

One British expat has mounted a 12v ambulance siren with PA system on the front of his bike, with a small 12V motorcycle battery Velcro-mounted under the seat. From what I’ve seen, Koreans mostly ignore ambulance sirens (oh you’re dying and you need to get to the hospital? Fuck you!), but the PA system seems to be quite effective, especially if you can speak Korean. I don’t speak Korean well, but from what I can hear, my expat friend shouts something like “…….seki…..seki………seki………seki” and this seems to get the Koreans moving out of the way.

The best bicycle mounted Korean Hiker Deterrent (KHD) I’ve seen is an old German expat who has a 12V Mercedes Benz fire engine siren mounted on his cruiser bike. Sweet suffering Christ, have you ever had a fire engine siren go off three feet from your ears? The old German expat wears ear plugs for all of his rides. Without them, he’d be deaf. If you ever hear a fire engine siren going off near the Han River, it’s probably Lars. Wave but don’t say hi; he can’t hear you because he’s wearing ear plugs.

 

POOLSIDE AT THE HAMILTON

The count down continues until the Hamilton Hotel swimming pool in Itaewon officially opens. As of this writing, there are 19 days, 2 hours and 13 minutes remaining until Itaewon’s trendiest summer hangout spot kicks off. I’ve officially begun fasting and I’ve started my rigorous Hamilton workout routine. 500 crunches before breakfast, intensive cardio starting two hours after lunch. I’ve received an express mail shipment of coconut oil, tanning oil, and hard body male Adonis body builder competition strength chocolate colored skin dye. I’ve just finished a cycle of Uzbekistani horse steroids, and now it’s time to cut. I’ll be on a slight caloric deficit for the next 19 days (not too much though, don’t want to lose too much muscle mass), shoveling fistfuls of clenbuterol down my throat and jogging around my neighborhood until 6 in the morning. My core body temperature will elevate to the point where steam rises off of my body. On day 16 I’ll hit the tanning bed, and slather myself with chocolate colored skin dye and coconut oil. 19 days until the Hamilton Hotel Pool opens. I’m almost ready, are you?

Posted in Itaewon, The Expat | 14 Comments

Wives and Daughters May Actually Have ‘Human Rights’ -Korean Surpeme Court

Posted on April 21, 2013 by The Expat

The mood is somber as a dark shadow has draped itself across the Korean peninsula. Not because of the declining Japanese yen, or the ongoing provocations from nuclear North Korea but because the Korean Supreme Court, going against 5000 years of culture and history, is holding debates on whether wives and daughters should continue to be classified as “property” or if they should be re-classified as “women”. This news strikes a blow to a great many Korean husbands, whom are understandably quite upset about the prospect of losing their “property”.

korean-wives-may-be-human

In this piece, the Joongang Ilbo explains that the traditional role of wives and daughters as “property” may soon change, violently uprooting traditional values and potentially causing panic and confusion among traditional households. Traditionally, wives have been classified as “property” in Korea, and thus crimes against wives are not actually classified as “crimes”. For example, beating or raping a woman who is not your wife could actually result in prosecution and possibly, maybe, in some rare cases where money isn’t offered and apologies aren’t made, a few days in jail. But raping or beating one’s wife or daughter is different, because wives and daughters are considered “property”, and as with all “property” the owners can do with them as they please. According to the loving husband/father’s defense attorney, women are “obliged” to sexually satisfy their husbands on demand, and thus “raping” one’s own wife, much like vandalizing one’s own car, is not actually a crime.

Of course, this new discussion about wives and daughters actually being human is bad news for owners of women all over the peninsula. Women who have married foreigners however, seem to have found a kind of loophole, as in Korea, foreign men (though they can pay Korean taxes and own shares in Korean companies) cannot legally own Korean women, at least according to my local Gu Office.

Perhaps I should explain for my uninitiated reader. You see, when two Koreans get married in Korea, they proceed to their local “Gu” (or district) office to transfer ownership of the bride from her father’s family registry to the family registry of her husband. It’s somewhat like purchasing an automobile. For a woman to exist and function in society, she must be registered to someone, just as all automobiles and pets must be likewise registered. In extremely rare instances, and via a system of appeals in court, a woman may be classified as “head of the household” provided she has no male offspring or relatives to claim her. During my post marriage visit to the Gu Office, the official told me that “Since you are a foreigner, your wife’s ownership papers must be maintained by her father, and after her father dies, ownership must be transferred to her brother”. This whole idea leaves one with a lot to ponder.

Consider for instance, the family who has a single female child. The child grows up and decides not to marry. Who does she belong to in this case? Does the State take ownership after her father dies? This could leave Korea’s first female president in some kind of bizarre legal limbo, whereby since her father has passed away, and she has never married, technically she might be some kind of illegal alien, unless of course one of her male uncles or cousins or nephews has volunteered to take legal ownership of her. Furthermore, if a woman stops being a “woman” once she is married, does that mean that raping someone else’s wife is also not really a crime? What if her husband gives me permission? Is it a crime then?

Lazy western countries have eliminated all of these intellectual ‘what if’s’ by enforcing the crazy idea that “If you force a woman to have sex, it is rape, regardless of who she is.” Again, crazy white people making crazy, unnecessary laws. I’m really curious how the intellectually and morally superior Koreans will handle this, as a Korean woman recently told me that “Koreans are smarter than white people”, and all of my Korea-based Korean language research into Korean history and culture has lead me to a shockingly similar conclusion. Perhaps we western folk have the rape laws all wrong. Perhaps it really is “Women are property” and “If she didn’t fight back hard enough, then it’s not rape.” Perhaps we can learn something from the Koreans after all. Or not. Anyhow, no matter how you look at it, being classified as ‘property’ is still better than being classified as ‘livestock’, as was the case for Korean women up until the Japanese occupation.

Posted in Ajeossi Logic, Korea's Worst Newspaper, Sexism! | 25 Comments

Tax Payer Funded Experiments in Stupidity

Posted on April 17, 2013 by The Expat

expat2Every now and again, the stars align and the governmental offices in charge of spending (wasting) our tax dollars combine their collective thinking power and inadvertently create a situation that is ideal for a social experiment. For example, in July of last year a local district office decided to re-surface a local park. The pavement was cracked, but more importantly, and more immediately noticeable was the fact that the pavement was covered entirely with spit wads. Black, cancerous spit wads. Everywhere. Not a single 30cm x 30cm tile existed without black, cancerous spit wads stuck all over it.

For whatever reason (I’ve given up trying to find out why), many Korean adults and male children enjoy spitting on the ground in public places. This is perhaps rooted in their heavily agricultural background, and possibly also in their general disregard for others and silly western things like health standards and disease prevention. And as time passes, year after year, if you have a paved surface that was originally white or grey in color, it starts to turn black. The cancer-spit and phlegm wads eventually start to overlap, and the entire area starts to look like fucking skid-row in downtown LA, with snot puddles and fucking spit wads all over the place. They can’t help themselves, they are one step removed from shitting in the same river they drink from. We should understand their culture. We shouldn’t comment or criticize or be insensitive western elitists. We shouldn’t pretend like the white trash in America don’t also spit all over the place and trash their own neighborhoods.

But life is full of second chances. Societies develop. People come out of the rice fields and step into new cars and new apartments and new business suits. Electricity and running water are modern marvels unimaginable not long ago. The world is a strange and wondrous place in 2013. We have horseless buggies, and instead of shitting on the dirt in front of my straw shack, I can now shit in my Woong-jin brand flush toilet in my tiny LG chemical plastic box bathroom, and when I push the magic lever, the dirty water goes out, and clean water comes in. Technology and progress. People moving forward. The mistakes of the past are carefully but diligently erased from our memories and pretty soon it’s almost as if we’ve always had flush toilets, automobiles, smartphones, magical boxes that display moving pictures and magical doctors who can take pig-ugly farmers daughters and turn them into princesses.

Progress and change. Wondrous things. And in accordance with the idea that “everyone deserves a second chance”, the local district office decided last year to re-surface the park. Gone were the cancer-spit covered tiles, benches and stairs of yesteryear and in their place came clean, spotless carefully arranged and symmetrically aligned Hyundai manufactured concrete tiles. And herein lays the social experiment.

But first let me tell you a little story about an expat buddy of mine who lives with his elderly Korean mother-in-law. Having recently moved into his sizable apartment and fresh from the countryside, his Korean MIL took a while to adapt to city life and city habits. One thing that she has never gotten used to, apparently, is the use of a modern non-squatter toilet. This is evidenced by the fact that my friend constantly found footprints on his toilet seat, and for the life of him could not figure out the cause of this household mystery. It turns out that despite being shown the wonders of modern toilets, his MIL refused to actually sit down on the Woong-jin electronic, robotic, mechanized, heated, vibrating, rose-scented-water-spraying wonder toilet in his expensive apartment. She was afraid that the beast would suck her down into the pipes when nobody was looking. So to this day, she continues to squat, both feet firmly planted on the toilet seat, to carry out her business.

And now back to the newly surfaced park, and the social experiment. The social experiment being this: If the government steps in to improve something that is a visible eyesore and an embarrassment, how will the people react? When you strip it down to its core simplicity, the public can either accept or reject the improvements. That is to say, they can appreciate or not appreciate the improvements. Much as when a street is re-paved, and we collectively, as citizens and residents can appreciate the smoother road. Or for example when the district office decides to install an escalator or elevator at a subway station, and the elderly can collectively appreciate the fact that they no longer have to climb stairs, and that someone out there cared enough to make their lives easier in what most would consider to be an inconsequential way.

Would the residents of this town appreciate the newly re-surfaced park? Would it become a place where families would gather, and young children would play? A place to be proud of? An improvement that would make the surrounding apartments and buildings look more attractive and perhaps even raise their value ever so slightly? Would the years of garbage throwing and spitting be carefully and diligently erased from our past as we glided towards the future, towards progress and social awareness?

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Another great Korean park. Just make sure your children don’t touch the ground, because it’s covered in black cancer spit. Koreans love Korea, but at the same time, they spit all over it. Can you really claim to love something if you are spitting all over it every day?

Well, it has been exactly 8 months since the massive park was re-surfaced. We enjoyed it for a few months, and then it started to snow. The snow eventually melted and gave way to old habits. The citizens had their newly re-surfaced park for a few usable months before they decided that it would be much better if everything were covered in cancer-spit and phlegm wads again. The locals undertook a voracious campaign to spit on every surface until the new tiles were stained, and black, and disgusting again. It kind of reminds me of those ‘Captain-save-a-ho’ guys who think they can take a street hooker junkie and reform her, educate her, and turn her into a respectable, dependable, trustworthy, honorable girlfriend, when all she really wants to do is steal his wallet and go back to selling snatch and shooting up, with no thought given to tomorrow or the next day.

Build them something nice, and all the while they are thinking about how quickly they can destroy it and go back to where they started. Miserable people creating misery for themselves. Sometimes I get the feeling that the government also views these situations as social experiments. Because when the day comes that the people get a newly paved park, and don’t spit all over it, the government really has something to worry about.

Posted in Uncategorized | 18 Comments

It’s a Circus, But They Don’t Realize It

Posted on April 17, 2013 by The Expat

Ever wonder what goes through the minds of Korean TV producers? Yeah, me neither. But sometimes I’ll be flipping through channels, and I’ll actually think to myself “What’s going through the minds of Korean TV producers when they put this stuff on TV?” Not as a serious question, but more of a rhetorical question that doesn’t require an answer because any answer would just cause even more confusion.

For example, last night I was flipping through channels when I happened upon a TV commercial for AIG insurance. The main actor in the commercial is a Korean man who is trying to look like a young guy who is trying to look like an old guy trying to look young. Confused? See below.

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You’re selling what now?

They get a man, age indeterminate, but obviously in his 50’s or 60’s. They glue a corny, fake wig on his head (this is the same corny, fake wig that you see ajeossis wearing in Korean dramas). They shave his eyebrows and then glue on some giant fake eyebrows. They plaster his face with makeup, throw a business suit on him, and then he stands there solemnly and earnestly trying to sell you insurance on TV. Is it some kind of gag or joke? Of course, you think the entire thing is a joke, but it’s not a funny commercial, and nobody is laughing. And this guy who looks like a 60 year old disco burn-out lounge lizard drag queen is selling a product that people pay money for. A serious product. Something your life could depend on. I don’t get it. Is it satire? The Korean media is famously devoid of satire. Are these commercials some groundbreaking form of satire? Something like “Look, this guy is willing to humiliate himself just for the sake of selling you this vital product. Won’t you call and order?” I guess I just don’t understand Korean culture very well.

Then I flip to the news channel, and see that the normal weather girl has been replaced. Gone is the cheerful, bubbly, youthful weather girl. Where did she go? I liked the old weather girl. Maybe she wasn’t “sexy” enough for TV? Her replacement is a (very, very) surgically enhanced ditz who has trouble reading the teleprompter, but at least manages to smile while awkwardly stumbling through the simple weather report. When she smiles, her cheeks don’t move. This is probably because they are shot full of so much botox that she can’t feel them anymore.

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The temperature isn’t the only thing ‘rising’ (in my pants.)

Her skirt is so short, and so loose, that whenever she turns to point at the display, you can actually see glimpses of her panties. She soon realizes this and has to place her hands over her skirt whenever she turns, to stop the panty flashing. Perhaps one of the technicians behind the camera has motioned to her, signaling for her to cover up her snatch, but somehow I doubt this. Now I understand. Now I get it. The previous weather girl wasn’t showing enough snatch on TV, so the ajeossi executives voted her out, and got this doumi girl to stand in front of the teleprompter and read the weather each morning. She’s still getting used to it. This new job, this new uniform, it’s all very challenging. Nothing like standing in front of Hi-mart in a mini skirt singing songs and flashing snatch.

I can’t even watch it. It actually makes me feel uncomfortable. I now feel perverted while watching the evening news, because I can see the weather girl’s panties every time she turns to the left or the right. Of course I know that this panty flashing is not immoral because my research into Korean culture has taught me that Koreans never do or say anything inappropriate. I am in a foreign land now, and whatever the natives do is probably too complicated and exotic for me to understand, so it’s probably best to just go along.

Pretty soon though, we’ll probably see the weather girl in just panties because after all, society is shaped by the lowest standards of decency, and once you have k-pop starlets flashing panties, you then get the weather girl flashing panties. And once the weather girl is flashing panties, you then get the ajumma at the corner shop flashing panties, and before long, everywhere you go, you’ll expect to see panties and you’ll actually get upset when you don’t see panties.

This is an example of a cultural phenomenon that works its way up from the gutter and permeates multiple aspects of society. It is an over-hyped plastic surgery culture where the media is so debased that the ideas of natural beauty and charm no longer exist and alluring appearances cover unattractive realities. Or, perhaps the previous weather girl just took a vacation. Who knows, really.

I then channel surf over to Arirang TV, which I had to stop watching a few years back because the shows were poorly written, and degrading, and condescending towards their English speaking audience. Now they’ve gotten a little more hip (or hipster) with some of their shows, so it’s not downright offensive. Unfortunately, their lineup is still filled with Korean food fluff pieces and today’s show is no different.

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I am treated to a documentary about the “Bibimbap Backpackers” and the “Dokdo Racers”. The former being a group who devote themselves to traveling around the world (on the ministry of culture’s dime) to promote the Korean dish bibimbap, and the later being a group who travels around the world (on the ministry of culture’s dime) to raise awareness of Korea’s Dokdo rocks and to inform people in other countries of Japan’s dubious and sinister claim to the rocks. In other words, they are two groups traveling the world, giving people a whole lot of information they can’t use, don’t need, and don’t want.

The Bibimbap Backpackers travel to Spain where they attempt to setup a stand giving out free Bibimbap, but are promptly booted out of the area by a group of Spanish dancers (who have the proper permits and permission to use the space). The Koreans (who have no permits or permission) feel heavily discriminated against. This is obviously racism, because in Korea, you don’t need permits or licenses to distribute food in public spaces. After the dancers leave the square, the Bibimbap Warriors begin to dole out containers of bibimbap to hungry Spaniards. They treat the Spaniards like children, telling them “See, you mixee mixee, like this. See?” They travel to the other side of the Earth, to a foreign country, to promote Korean food, and not a single member of their team speaks even the slightest bit of Spanish. Way to go Ministry of Culture! The Spaniards respond that the bibimbap is “too hot” for them.

Finally they hold a bibimbap tasting at a diplomatic function, and invite local k-pop fans and Korean shop owners. The local k-pop fans (who speak Korean) tell the bibimbap backpackers that the food is “delicious” and that they love Korea and everything Korean. This lifts the spirits of the Bibimbap Backpackers.

The Backpackers then travel to Italy, where they make the incredible mistake of preparing the dish for a group of professional Italian chefs. They bark at the chefs in Korean (again, nobody in their group speaks even a few words of Italian). The Italian chefs take pictures of the bibimbap, but after they eat it, they basically respond that it tastes awful.

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One Italian chef even suggests adding salt to it to make it palatable, and then suggests that the Bibimbap Backpackers find an Italian cooking school so they can learn how to cook something delicious, because “that’s how important Italians think of the flavors of the food” He’s basically telling them that their food has insulted his taste buds. I suppose the Spaniards and Italians just don’t “understand Korean culture” very well. Or, it could be that mashing a bunch of vegetables together and then squirting them with sesame oil and chili paste just isn’t going to have the same appeal as say, a pizza or pasta. Anyhow, compelling TV. Lots of human struggle and emotion.

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Though I will give Koreans one pointer; pizza isn’t popular around the world because Italians traveled everywhere giving out free slices. In fact, I’d be willing to bet that not a single slice of pizza was ever given out for free in an effort to draw people to Italy, Italian culture, or Italian food. Pizza is a self-advertising food. It looks delicious, it smells delicious and it tastes delicious. If the Italians saw how Koreans put corn and mayonnaise and bacon on their pizza, they’d probably freak out. They’d probably beat the Bibimbap Backpackers senseless, or throw them in jail.

Posted in Cultural Commentaries, The Expat | 19 Comments

Technicalities

Posted on April 15, 2013 by The Expat

A Korean actor recently sent to jail for fucking elementary school students is not actually a “pedophile” according to the Chosun Ilbo. According to the Chosun Ilbo, we should stop using the word “pedophile” to describe actor Go Young-wook (whose name “Go Young” is pretty ironic), because technically, according to the dictionary, a pedophile is someone who seeks sexual encounters with pre-pubescent children, not just children in general. Very interesting human interest piece, though taking a blatant sex crime against minors and trying to write it off as a “compulsive disorder” in the editorial column of the newspaper is pretty tasteless. Trying to say that he isn’t a “child molester” or a “pedophile” but instead merely a man who “suffers from compulsive behavior” is downright disturbing because it takes the words “rape” and “child” out of the equation entirely.

Korean Child Fucker Go Young-wook

He’s no longer a child rapist, he’s just a guy who suffers from “compulsive behavior”, and we should feel pity on him. He can’t help cruising past elementary schools and trying to pick up girls who walk home alone. Please understand his situation. He’s not a pedophile; he’s just a lonely guy who enjoys fucking children. The guy raped two 13 year old girls, and when Koreans say “13”, this means actual age 11 or 12. But let’s set the record straight and protect his dignity; he’s not a pedophile, just an ordinary, every day guy who enjoys putting his micro-penis inside of elementary school students. Thank you Chosun ilbo, and Korean media for clearing up this vital difference.

And by the way, the punishment for being a serial rapist of minors? Five years in jail.

Posted in Korean News Stories | 17 Comments

Don’t Think Too Much

Posted on April 14, 2013 by The Expat

expat2From time to time, you can be too smart and know too much. Especially if you are an expat from a highly advanced country. In my case, I am from a highly advanced country so I know everything, and I am way too smart. And all of my friends and most of the resident expats I meet in Korea are also too smart, and know way too much. Problem is, knowing too much and thinking too much gets in the way of having fun. But it is hard to escape who and what you are. That is why sometimes it is helpful to just lean back and reevaluate what you are doing and how you are living and why you came to Korea in the first place. This is best done outdoors, and with a cold beer.

I have a project mentality where I make mental lists of things that I should do, or at least I used to. That was back before I realized that I was thinking too much and over-analyzing. Now I have a collection of loosely constructed rituals that I go through as the seasons change. For example, once the temperature is warm enough to walk around at night without a jacket, I make my way to Itaewon and visit my favorite street food vendor. The stand is situated near Hooker Hill and I’ve been a semi-regular customer for eight years now. The ajumma who owns the place smiles and waves whenever she sees me. She smiles because she has been overcharging me for eight years.

I used to bring fellow expats with me to enjoy this little ritual, but I’ve since made it into a private thing, because lots of other expats tend to over-analyze and think too much, which as I mentioned above, gets in the way of having fun. For example, I once brought a long time expat buddy to my favorite street food vendor for the first meal of the summer season. We ordered two large Korean beers. I never drink Korean beer because it is awful, but in this one place, at this one time, I make an exception and solely then because the ajumma only stocks Korean beer. My buddy says “Hey man, why should we pay 5,000won for a tall can of Cass when we can buy one at the convenience store for just 1,800?!”

White people: always thinking too much. We’re not paying for the beer; we’re paying for the right to occupy the bench we are sitting on while this woman cooks for us. By cooking for us and having us sit on her bench, she is forgoing the opportunity to sell food to other people. Thus, we pay 5,000 for a can of Korean beer as a kind of “rent” fee for occupying the bench on the busy side street where the stall stands. The price isn’t for the beer, it’s for the experience. If you look at it as paying 5,000 for a can of beer, you are going to be disappointed. If you scrutinize the price of food or beer at a street vendor, you are missing the point of eating at a street food vendor entirely.

The point is to enjoy the weather and the relative convenience of having your own personal cook standing in front of you, willing to cook anything you want, any way you want it. You’re paying to enjoy the one or two months out of the year when it’s tolerable and pleasant enough to sit outside on a bench and have a grumpy middle aged woman cook for you while you sip a cold beer, take in your surroundings and release your stress. Stress from your dead end job. Stress from your precarious financial situation. Stress from your loser asshole co-workers, or boss. Stress that accumulates and much like gravity drags you down a depressing spiral with the bottom nowhere in sight.

My buddy continues, “Dude, there are flies everywhere, and look at those dishes, she probably never washes them. We’re going to get hepatitis for sure! That food has probably been sitting there for days under the sun, it’s probably spoiled!” He is ignoring the fact that unlike many Asians, most expats in Korea come from pro-active, risk taking, aggressive societies that respect those values and encourage that behavior in individuals. Food not fully cooked? Dishes not entirely clean? Flies in the kitchen? Meat sitting out in the sun all day? Are these the types of things that bother you? If so, perhaps you have lost touch with your risk-taking roots.

The USA for example, was founded by a loosely organized coalition of poorly armed and poorly managed citizens who decided to revolt against and overthrow their King. And then proceeded against great odds to actually do it. The US was founded by independent thinking, pro-active, risk taking, highly confident, aggressive individuals. Do you suppose they sat around outside on a warm summer evening, sipping cold beer, and saying things like “I do say, the cookery and flatware appear to be hygienically questionable…” ? Probably not. They were, after all, confident, aggressive, risk takers.

Western civilization was built by people who were aggressive, and super confident, and attracted to risk, and pro-active. And now we sit around griping about how the dishes aren’t entirely clean and the beer is expensive. How far we Americans have come in just 250 years.

One of the few pleasures I have in Korea is getting a peak behind the media-manufactured cultural curtain. It’s one of my private joys. Something inconsequential that gives pleasure. Hard to explain to someone else and never profitable–just a little something in my private universe that gives pleasure. Korean people doing things the Korean way. Unscripted, visceral, natural. What you see on Arirang TV is all staged and manufactured, and bears no resemblance to actual daily life in Korea.

The flies, the meat sitting in the sun, the filthy kitchen etc. are all tucked neatly behind the curtain whenever the cameras are rolling. What you see on Arirang TV and in all of the bullshit English language Korean media outlets is a polished image of what the media and tourism ministry would like Korea to be. What you see on TV is a white-washed Korea where there are no flies, or dirty dishes, or expired meat, or pans full of oil that has been reused a thousand times, or drunks, or prostitutes, or homeless people, or corrupt officials, or single moms, or any of the other unpleasantries that are carefully cut out and deleted from the bouncy sparkling “Visit Korea” commercials.

So, once a year between spring and summer I get into my car and I drive to Itaewon on a warm evening with the express purpose of dining at this single street vendor, where the meat is bad, the flies are buzzing, and the dishes haven’t been washed with soap since the Japanese occupation. I park far, far away and walk. The ajumma always remembers me. The booth doesn’t have a menu; the ajumma simply has a few pictures which customers point at to make their orders. There are no prices printed, which means that once you sit down and order, you have entered into a non-verbal commitment to pay whatever the ajumma tells you to pay. It’s a system based on trust. Trust that you’ll be ripped off, but not too badly. Trust that you’ll probably get sick, but not too sick.

There are no credit cards or receipts; just cold beer, a tiny hygienically suspicious kitchen, and a couple of benches to sit on. Everything about the setup would probably be illegal in most Western countries, but you didn’t come half way around the world to live under Western rules and norms, did you? You didn’t bring those ideas with you to Asia, did you? Those ideas and standards should have evaporated when your plane kissed tarmac at Incheon.

Her husband is stone cold drunk by 8pm on most nights and the tough, dark skin of the ajumma’s face is scarred with the marks of a million small personal defeats. There’s a squatter toilet out back, and the ajumma only smiles when she hands you the bill. My friends ask me why go back to this place again and again, but if you have to ask, then you wouldn’t understand anyway.

Posted in Itaewon, Life in Korea, The Expat | 13 Comments