I used to date this tall, skinny spoiled brat Korean princess whose parents set her up with an apartment in Apkujeong, a nice car, and a little rat-dog pet. After doing what two young people do best, she went off to the shower, and I had a short but frank conversation with her Korean Rat Dog pet. What follows is a verbatim transcript of that interview:
TNO: Hello Mr. Dog, I don’t know your name, so I’m just going to call you Mr. Dog. I appreciate you meeting with me today. I’d like you to just answer a few simple questions
Korean Rat Dog: No problem, do you need a cigarette? Ruff!
TNO: Errr, no thanks. First of all, what kind of rat dog are you? Can you explain the nature of rat-dogs in Korea?
Korean Rat Dog: Well Jake, I’m what’s known as a Yorkshire Terrier. I’m the most common and popular type of rat-dog in Korea. The Pomeranian, Shih-tzu and Chihuahua are pretty much the only other pet dogs that Koreans buy.
TNO: Is that really true? I know that most Koreans live in small apartments or houses, with hardly any extra space, but is that the only reason that Koreans buy rat-dogs almost exclusively?
Korean Rat Dog: Ruff! Jake, Koreans are a bunch of flockers. What one person does, everyone else does. At first you may not think it’s possible for an entire ethnicity of people to have the same preferences, but have you ever looked around you and wondered why every car in Korea is black, white, or silver? Just three colors? Flock mentality. Once a few people started buying rat-dogs, everyone else jumped on the band wagon. There are over 90 breeds of small dogs, but Koreans stick to just the ones I mentioned.
TNO: Fair enough. So, what’s a day in the life of a Korean Rat Dog like? Give me the play-by-play of your average day.
Korean Rat Dog: I wake up, and then I piss all over the floor. My dumb bitch owner thinks that everything I do is cute, so she never complains when I piss all over the floor. After that I go hunting for food. The bitch buys me this garbage from some doggy boutique in Apkujeong. She probably pays tons of money for this designer doggy food but honestly it tastes like every other type of dog food on the planet.
TNO: So what does a Korean rat dog like you really like to eat?
Korean Rat Dog: There are two things I eat; my own shit, and the used tampons that my dumb bitch owner leaves in her bathroom trash can. Jake, nothing quite compares to eating your own shit, but I recommend letting it sit for at least a few hours so that it can harden first. And let me tell you, I’ll go and eat a turd, and my dumb bitch owner thinks that it’s cute! Not only that, but she’ll kiss me on the face and be petting me, fully knowing that I just ate a pile of my own shit!
TNO: I think I’m gonna puke.
Korean Rat Dog: But that’s not the best part. I first started eating tampons because I’d occasionally see a string hanging over the edge of the bathroom trashcan. I’d tug the string, and out would come a used tampon. So I started eating those too. Ruff ruff! And you know how those hi-so princesses use perfume on every part of their bodies? Just today I ate a tampon that tasted like Channel No. 5!
TNO: I can imagine. So what do you do for fun?
Korean Rat Dog: Aside from looking for food and eating food, there isn’t much a Korean rat dog can do for fun. My dumb bitch owner has about three hundred pairs of shoes, so sometimes when I get bored; I go into her shoe closet and hump her slippers. Especially the fuzzy wool slippers that are so soft and warm. Once I start, those poor slippers are just like a nail at a hammer convention, I jackhammer the shit out of them and then I leave a surprise inside. Ruff Ruff!
TNO: Yeah, I can see you are dry-humping the floor right now just thinking about it. Is there anything about your life that you don’t like?
Korean Rat Dog: Yeah, I fucking HATE winter time. Every winter, my dumb bitch owner goes to the rat-dog boutique in Apkujeong and buys a winter wardrobe of fucking horrible little doggy clothes! She likes nothing more than to dress me up like a fucking elf in winter. The problem is that the bitch has the heater blasting in the apartment all day long, so I’m sweating my balls off! She even has these shoes that she has to lace up on my feet individually. It’s some sick shit!
TNO: Do you have any friends?
Korean Rat Dog: I used to have a Jindo friend, but one day some Korean men jumped over the fence, grabbed him, and hauled his ass off to the dog meat shop. That was the last I ever saw or heard of him. My dumb bitch owner has a lot of friends, and they all have little rat dogs. Whenever my owner has some of her friends over, I make a b-line straight for their panties –nose first! I just dive right in! And they think it’s cute!
TNO: Ok, well thanks, gotta go now!
Korean Rat Dog: I mean, if I could sleep in a pile of their used underwear, I’d be in doggy heaven, ruff ruff!