The end of the year is busy at Expat Hell Enterprises LLC Headquarters. So much so, that I’ve had to hire three new secretaries just to sift and sort through the mountains of fan mail I get on a daily basis. I suppose success and attention come at a price, but luckily, with the economy being what it is, I’ve got three googly–eyed, 20 year old, wafer thin, plastic surgery addicted, former Gangnam Room Salon dick-suckers with wobbly asymmetrical silicone stuffed tits who now sit around a large mahogany table in my main office and open mountains of fan mail for me every day for $4 USD an hour. God damn I love this country.
The secretaries are all called Ji-young. There’s Ji-young Kim, Ji-young Park, and Ji-young Choi, because, I suppose, at some time in the past there was a trend where every Korean daughter was named ‘Ji-young’. Trends are very important in Korea, as is conformism, so my ESL teacher reader shouldn’t be surprised at all should you happen upon an entire classroom filled with Ji-youngs at some point during your (hopefully) short sojourn in the ROK. To make things simple, I’ve let the girls choose English names (Western office, Western rules. Don’t like it? Fuck off). Unfortunately, all three have decided to name themselves “Sally”. Having predicted this situation, I had the forethought to visit a local silk-screening shop, and have a bunch of skin-tight spaghetti strapped tops silk screened with the numbers 1, 2 and 3. The girls wear the shirts (no bras allowed in the office, please understand my culture), and I now refer to them as Sally 1, Sally 2 and Sally 3.
The first day of training was hell. Literally hell. You’d think the googly-eyed Gangnam princesses would be able to do simple things, like open a piece of fan mail with a letter opener. Of course, your assumption would be wildly wrong. As one might expect, none of the Sallys have ever opened their own mail before. You see, when your fake tits are so big that you can’t even see your own feet, there are all sorts of wonderful benefits. One of them is that you don’t have to pay any of your own bills. You have a different man (sucker) paying each and every one of your bills. Isn’t life great? The problem is that all of your dick-sucking money goes to plastic surgery, and you have to get a day job to pay for basic things, like food. And so the Sallys sit around the large presidential mahogany table at Expat Hell Enterprises LLC Headquarters, and open all of my fan mail.
Funny story: On the first day of actual work, I walked into the board room where the three Sallys were sitting around their table. I greeted them with the normal morning pleasantries, and followed up with “Alright then ladies, let’s get to work!” With that, all three Sallys stood up, climbed the mahogany table, stripped off their clothes and began pouring expensive whiskey down their tits, streaming down their legs, running off their toes into shot glasses they’d aligned at their feet. You can take the girl out of the room salon, but you can’t……
To avoid confusion, and because one syllable English names are hard to pronounce, the three Sallys just call me 오빠 (oppa), which is a term of respect in Korea, given by younger females to older men who financially support them in exchange for sexual favors. The three Sallys don’t read any English at all, which sometimes makes evaluating fan mail a bit of a challenge. “오빠!! Good, long fan mail!” exclaims Sally # 1, and she bounces over to my desk, plops down on my lap and opens up the email database, clicking to a page long letter from a die-hard fan. “Good” and “Long” are for some reason part of her 10-word English vocabulary. I suppose I should be thankful.
I open the letter and view it on my screen:
I do love a good piece of fan mail, especially letters from disgruntled Korean patriots who have fled Korea for greener pastures. The above piece is quite descriptive and comes from a die-hard Korean fan living in Irvine California. I’ve personally never been to Irvine, it’s a bit too south for my tastes. I’ve heard the stories though; Korean massage shops tucked away into strip malls, and UCI students prostituting themselves for handbags. It sounds like a mini version of Korea, but I can’t be sure, as I’ve never been.
Well my angry Irvine friend, thanks for the letter, and thanks for again reenforcing the notion that America seems to be a magnet for immigrants of the highest calibre. I suppose we’ll be seeing you on the news shortly then? Perhaps you’ll shoot up a school, or spray a shopping mall with machine gun fire? In any case, I’ve forwarded your letter and your IP address to the Department of Homeland Security, so Merry Christmas!
“Not good and so long piece of fan mail?” Sally # 1 does a duckface pout while sitting on my lap. “No Sally #1, while that reader is certainly a fan, I’d have to say that his letter was rather violent and uncalled for” I explain. “Really? How about this one?” She pouts, and clicks open a new page in the fan mail database. I check the screen:
“No Sally #1 my dear, that’s our same enthusiastic Irvine friend. It would seem he disagrees with some of the writing in our fine publication”. “He not fan?” she asks, pouting again. “Sorry my dear, keep searching” She sulks back to the presidential mahogany desk, carrying her Samsung produced Macbook Air knockoff.
Sally # 2 trots over to my desk. Sally # 2 is special. She can hold a pencil between her tits, even with her arms spread out to the sides 180 degrees. I’m thinking about making this part of the employment test. She can also count to ten, barely. Counting certainly won’t be part of the employment test. “Oppa! Fan mail!” She sits down on my lap and clicks to a new page in the Expat Hell fan mail database. Another long letter from another devoted fan:
Sweet suffering Christ on the cross! 1,443 words of fan mail love directed at yours truly. I’m flattered. Completely flattered. Of course, this piece of fan mail also comes from a Korean patriot who has left Korea, and currently resides in Minneapolis. Strange how that works, but glad to get his email anyhow, because at least our friend types coherently. What puzzles me is his motivation for writing such a piece. Furthermore, why he is talking about Korean women is beyond me, because if there is any topic I’d least like to write about, it’s the dating and courtship of Korean women. Nothing puts me to sleep faster than reading about dating and relationships, and nothing interests me less than the dating lives of Korean women, or foreigners residing in Korea. He also throws in a Samsung defense, and an “even whites used to hang blacks for looking at their women” reference, seemingly in defense of his ‘hands off our Korean women’ mentality. Not sure how that works, and don’t really care about the topic in general, but figured if he were steadfast enough to hash out 1,443 words of correspondence, the least I could do was humor him by posting it here.
“Good job Sally # 2, this man is certainly a VIP member of the Expat Hell Industries LLC fan club” To which she replies: “Really? I go sleep him now?” eyebrows raised in question. “No my dear, you don’t need to go sleep with him now”.
All this fan mail wears me out, so I walk outside for a breather. I take the stairs down from Hooker Hill, past the Rocky Mountain Tavern and cross the street, heading down past the Hamilton hotel and towards the mouth (or ass-end) of Itaewon. I pass a shop selling cowboy boots. I gaze in the window. I’m not sure whether to be happy, sad or puzzled. Cowboy boots in Korea. How did they get here? What is the source, or supply of these cowboy boots? Dead or sleeping cowboys? And who buys them? Korean puzzles remaining to the solved. And should I ever solve the mystery of cowboy boots in Itaewon, I fully expect to receive more fan mail, explaining how wrong I am on every account. God damn I love this country! Wishing my reader a happy new year, and good fortune in 2013.
some great holiday love!
It’s good to see you’ve struck a nerve with the right people. The sentiments here usually follow the same consistent pattern. That being…ignore, then insult, if the insults don’t work, then whine, after whining then get mad (and tell them to just leave the country because you don’t support their view), then threaten. After that scream that the person should die. Sadly, all these steps tend to happen in a matter of minutes. The fact you’ve received these fan mails shows that you’ve struck a nerve, that people ARE reading what you write (with photos to support your points…the puke filled sidewalk was brilliant as was the Korean whining that Dokdo wasn’t a political issue which was proven to be pure BS by your links).
I’m actually surprised at how ignorant and blatantly stupid K’s are in this country. It’s like they actually believe that people out West won’t learn about the two-faced and pure hatred that these peoople have for others. I particularly love the repetition of the poster using 9/11 as a point of pride. To him, this was a very positive thing. I’m sure Homeland Security won’t be as ‘understanding of his unique situation’.
Well done…and happy new year!
haha brilliant
Just like with the academy awards, the cream of the crop emails enter the fray late in the year so they are remembered by the judge when it is time to vote.
Is there any gems from earlier in the year that have slipped your memory?
I remember that rambling manifesto by Yong Lee. I really wanted to comment on his point about Korean men treating Korean woman as their sisters. If it was true, things must be really awkward at the room salon when the salaryman bangs his sister against a wall while his coworkers cheer him on.
How do you suppose your critics find your blog? Are they being responsible netizens by trolling google, using keywords pertaining to Korean culture that would retrieve your blog (ajushee, statutory rape, small penis, etc.) to find and publicly denounce foreigners who are critical of Korean food in hopes of getting them deported to somewhere warmer and more tolerant of dissent?
Or maybe did their friends/coworkers email them a link to one of your blogs, demanding they explain why Korean teachers can get away with having sex with elementary students while foreign teachers are scapegoated as the source of AIDS; and instead of admonishing the poor behavior, they go after you, the messenger, thinking you are painting all Koreans with the same brush?
Korean media and netizens need to realize they can’t silence/threaten/deport all voices of dissent. The British media will tear Korea a new one during the Olympics. Expect some of those MBC news specials to gain more international attention.
Excellent! Your blog gets better every day.
Your words are sweet, sweet motivation…heading back to the States in 50 days! Thanks for sticking it out and spittin’ the most vicious venom: the truth about the SK.
I wonder when I’m going to have to use a proxy to access your site from the ROK because a KCSC warning will pop up. I suppose then you can claim to be the most infamous expat blog.
It’s ok, I own several domains. One goes down, another goes up right away. Site backed up daily too!
Copy and paste this into youtube:
“Fan mail read by Richard Dawkins”
I pictured you doing this with your fan mail.
Looking forward to it!
You should’ve hired 4 girls. That way, you could call them Sally First, Sally Second, Sally Third, and my personal favorite, Sally Fourth!
Other than that lamentable oversight, great job!
Funny. My BIL refused to go to UCI because there are too many Asians-and he’s Korea-American! LOL
I personally have spent time on the campus there, and in Irvine in general. 60+% Asian student ratio, minimum.
Only the well-off Koreans can afford to live in Irvine, so not many room salons, etc. It’s a pretty “white” place.
I guess some just don’t get using sarcasm to accentuate a point. But then again, why are all these “fans” living in America and not in Korea?
Happy New Year.
P.s. What’s with the constant “cunt” reference? Are you a she-male? ROFL….
Hysterical! A rousing start to a new year.
The more Korean-notAmericans put on the no fly list… the better. Just needs to be updated when they visit the Vaterland. Uri nara unter alles, stooges!
Excellent and amusing article. I always enjoy reading your articles. Keep up the good work
Great creativity again. And the images – nice.
You should pixelate her face or something. When little dick netizens can’t go after the round eye they alway substitute by going after k girls they think associate with him. They’ll post her photo, someone will get her contact details, address, etc. & she’ll be seriously harassed.
Why? She’s just doing a bit of yoga. Nothing shameful in that!
Yeah, that’s just what the netizens will think.
According to http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/UC-Irvine the Asian American population fo the student body at UCI is 47.3%.
Having built the Biosciences building, and many other projects on the UCI campus, my visual observation was much higher than that
Doesn’t matter what you think your visual observation was. The simple fact of the matter is that the student population demographics are as stated. People in general are notoriously bad at visually determining ethnicity and race. My computer’s about to die from lack of battery power and I’m away from a power source. As soon as I can, I’ll post a link to an interesting “ethnicity/race visual quiz” for your edification/amusement.
Another simple fact: I misspelled the word “of” in my posting above. I’m usually an excellent speller. Must’ve been an off day.
I think one sees ‘more’ Asians on campus, because they all tend to flock together like seagulls.
I didn’t mean to ruffle your feathers. My BIL went to UCLA, which hee lovingly called, “University of Caucasians Lost among Asians.” He’s Korean, American. LOL
I look forward to that survey.
Many Asians go to university…is that observation considered racism?
One of the top universities in Canada is University of British Columbia (UBC). Its nickname is University of a Billion Chinese.
how did a blog featuring a skank flashing open-faced roast beef sandwich devolve into a discussion about ethnic demographics ?
Agreed! I’d rather appreciate the skank…..SKANKS FTW!
These angry emails from remind me of a story I heard of a couple who had divorced citing irreconcilable differences.
Many observers thought that they were an ill-matched pair but his fear of the draft – which prevented him from returning to his homeland until he was thirty seven – and her preference for the Big Apple over the Little Banana, meant that it was their fate to be together, to ensure that not a single drop of foreign blood stained the purity of their family trees, which stretched back 4.3 millennia to a royal family founded by a bear and some cloves of garlic.
He was a hotshot lawyer who played an organ in a little church in Flushing, New York and she was a star flautist, who had studied at the Julliard School and sang soprano in a Catholic cathedral in Morningside Heights. She had emigrated as a child prodigy and her father had travelled with her all over the world, including arranging stints for her to play the shakuhachi in Tokyo.
On the tenth anniversary of 911 she had been invited to West Point, where she had blown the Last Post on the bugle of an infantry officer cadet. She had also played on the trombone of Delfeayo Marsalis, the trumpet of Wynton Marsalis and the saxophone of Branford Marsalis.
Due to their theological differences they had argued over where they should stage the wedding and she had steadfastly refused to ever attend his church. He had planned to have the ceremony in a wedding hall in Flushing but at the last minute his fiancée’s elder brother hijacked his sedan, demanding that he comply, as his future brother-in-law’s parents were forking out for the wedding. They drove to her cathedral, where she played on the flute of a visiting Nigerian bishop and he played a hymn on his organ.
After the reception – in a wedding hall hosted by Jason Alexander in Huntington – they headed off to their bridal suite in a Bronx hotel, owned by the elder brother of his best man.
After thirty seconds in the bridal bed, she suddenly scuttled up the bed pulling the sheets around her, she then shrieked out: “I would never have married you if I had known you had such a small organ!!!”
To which he retorted: “I would never have married you if I had known I had to play in a cathedral!!!”